I found my first gray hair today. At first I didn't know what it was, just caught a glance of a luminous strand. It looked quite pretty, actually. I thought about how it would look nice all over if I were an anime character, but I am not, so in all my vain glory I started to whine. I wonder if it's because I've been treating my body like shit recently with massive amounts of smoking and not eating, then when I do get a chance to chow, it's some shitty fucking shit that does no good.

I'm really yearning to have a male buddy friend 'ol pal. I don't exactly want a boyfriend right now for obvious reasons, but man... a lady's got needs. But there are so many complexities to that whole type of friendship relationship shmiggle shmaggle that would make things more stressful than needed.

Welp, time to smoke. Burbye.

I have been annoying the shit out of myself lately. I have probably been annoying everyone else as well. Gosh.

I'm tired of censoring myself, so if you see an explosion of fucked up creativity from my way, the warning has been posted.

The car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

It went like this

The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble and pulled out their hair

The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze

I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful..
These are truly the last days"

You grabbed my hand and we fell into it
Like a daydream or a fever

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet
And it's full of blood

So, I made website a bit ago... maybe a month and a half ago, maybe even longer. For some reason, I never posted it on here.

http://www.kelliruback.com

Yeah.

This journal entry should be about pimping my artwork and I currently am IRL as we speak. I'm probably going to get off topic though because I am starving. Fuck. And I looked at this raw food picture post and it gave me a boner/made me even more hungry. RUUUUURAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRGHHHHHH.

So, I'm going to write something in this piece of shit considering that it's collecting dust. Um... umm... yeah, I've been drinking beer all night so I'm a tid bit tipsy. In all honesty, I wish I was smoking but whatever. I smoked all my shit, despite the fact that I was saving it for like, the only boy I'm even interested in but he hasn't gotten back to me in a couple of days so fuck it. I smoked it all bye bye. I dig him... though I don't know if the feeling is mutual, but it's cool. He's a pretty awesome individual. He makes me feel good about myself and it's a nice change. He's respectful in all the right places.

Soooooo yeaaaah, yeah. Finished the movie a couple of days ago. It was awesome... though, I've never received so much male attention in my life except when I was an underage b& jailbait. It was interesting to say the least, but I can't say my ego has inflated because I was one of the only chicks on crew so who can really base anything legitimate off of that... I feel like they were desperate due to the lack of females, that's why. I guess I shouldn't feel like shit about my appearance, but I still manage to act like a douche due to lack of self confidence. Because I suck. And I hold on to whatever moronic, deprecating bullshit that guys (that I've been intimate with) say to me when it comes to how I look, specifically body wise. I really shouldn't care about this malarkey.

I think I've said too much already, so I bid you adieu. And perhaps I won't delete this but I can't guarantee shit.

I just want to bang all day.

My cat has been pissing on all of my luggage lately. I think he knows.

I will officially be living in Maryland on the 1st. :)

-_-

Can somebody suggest a web hosting service that you've had personal experience with that has a yearly plan option? I've been researching, but I feel like the reviews are fixed bullshit that are written by their employees.

So, I finally did HIIT... or atleast completed my prepping for doing actual HIIT. I decided to do 30/90 to start with, as it's a super duper beginner level and I'm only really good with distance, not speed. Before, I had been doing 20 seconds of sprinting, and 10 seconds of rest which was not helping me in anyway whatsoever. It burned me out (I also didn't eat properly if you remember from my last post about how angry I was, almost ~*shaking and crying*~), but maybe eventually I'll get to that point. Anyway, 30 seconds of sprinting and 90 seconds of jogging is more preferable at this point in time, so we'll see where we go with this.

Maybe eventually I'll talk about something else other than my running progress but I honestly don't have any worthwhile shit to share.

I can't believe I'm actually pissed at myself for not being able to do HIIT today. The only fuel I had was a banana earlier for breakfast and 2 cups of coffee, so I should be angry because of the poor choices I made in food, not my performance. I still ran the entire distance, so it's not like I gave up. I just couldn't fucking sprint when all I had was a freaking naner. D:

Edit @ 6:50 PM: I just got back from running (again) about 15 minutes ago. I was so pissed off about earlier that I ended up eating another banana, a bowl of fruit salad, and a small potato. About 1 1/2 hours later, I ate half of a slice of wheat bread and a small handful of nuts. I even ended up bringing a water bottle with me, which I hate because I do not enjoy carrying around extra shit when I go out for a simple run, let alone HIIT. While I still was not able to complete the whole session as successfully as I hoped, the food I ate before my second go truly helped. I find it bizarre that the way I look at food is in relation to "Is this going to benefit me later when I'm exercising?" rather than "OM NOM NOM THIS IS A DELICIOUS TUB OF LARD". rofl Not that I ate buckets of crisco, but my diet was pretty awful before hand.

Anyway, tl;dr: I'm a retarded douche.

DAMNIT I PUT TOO MUCH CILANTRO IN MY SALSA.

MY PRECIOUS IS RUINED.

*&B$^&*$C*&*$N*#X&*(#N&*(#NYUIN*(&(*)N#&*(Z^*B^*#WE& GIbfj dxu

If I could change something about myself, I would change my flabby ass matronly arms. I imagine if I were to jump out of a plane, my arms would just blow out like a parachute and I would land safely with no trouble.

Blah, I've been up since 5AM. It's cool though, that means I can go for an early run across the bridge this morning. I hope it isn't full of other people. D:

I'm almost officially off of dairy. I use cream in my coffee sometimes but that's it for the most part. I've been drinking rice milk since my last post about cutting out moo foods and it's been going pretty well. I'm also trying to cut out soy too, though there are so many damn things that I love with soy in it... meh. It's okay, though. I'll live and be healthier for it.

I've been marathon training. I would like to participate in a 5k within the next 3 months. I am disappointed with how unfit I've become, I can't even believe it. So, I've been running the Mid-Hudson and starting out slowly to get the hang of things again. I really do love running as it's very much of an escape for me and helps me clear my head. Today I'm taking a break because I don't want to overdue it. I won't advance if I do.

I'm thinking about following a raw diet for about a month, and then slowly incorporating cooked foods again. I'm just playing around with the idea... I feel like I'd get a lot of flack from anyone that I would tell but shit like that shouldn't stop me. I'm just being an ass I guess. Also, convenience is an issue as well... I would probably have to carry around fresh veggies all the time but I don't mind that.

So, the fare price for Metro North is going up 33% as well as the rest of NYC public transit. What does this mean for me? Try and go down to the city as much as possible before the price hike. Since I work across the parking lot from the station, I'm sure I'll be enticed to go even more.

My boss' daughter gave me her old laptop, which is pretty sweet since Brendan hates me even touching his. It's a little hard to type on here, so I'm probably not going to download any messenger services. Besides, after two years without my own PC, I haven't had an interest in chatting. D:

It's taking me forever to type this because I have to stab the keys really hard. Toodles.